'News You Can Lose' is a weekly feature that ran from May '13 through September '14. In part, it was a response to the rise in Yellow Journalism, and in part, an exercise in
humor and satire. Sadly, the feature gave way to a Kardashian reality show at the start
'14 fall season. What remains here are selected morsels. Enjoy!
Introducing
News You Can Lose
May 2013
An introduction: This feature could last a few weeks
or a lifetime; either way, presented as satire, you're
invited along to live, laugh, and learn. Please, enjoy.
Dedicated to the works of Lucius Apuleius
News You Can Lose
May 12, 2013
Disturbing Images
Hollywood announced this weeks gross (sic) receipts for Iron Man 3. About 3/4 of a billion dollars.
Fifty eight years after Jonas Salk began public distribution of his Polio Vaccine, Sir Gates announced
this week that worldwide, newborns stricken with Polio are less than a handful. Throughout
the last fifty-eight years, of the nearly two hundred formal governments; none, not a single one
government on earth has shown the courage or competence to bring an established vaccine
to the most remote corners of the globe, eradicating this preventable disease.
Yes, yes; a disturbing image indeed.
I would implore you to contribute to the works of the Gates Foundation,
and if you can find a place on their website that asks for contributions, do so.
This was the first post on NYCL, and I am as proud of this
post two years later as I was then.
I have no intention of running commentary through this transcription.
And yet... I cannot leave this post without the two years benefit of
hindsight. Kindest regards always, to the Gate's.
______________________________________________________________
A thousand mathematicians?
Your still short.
I hope you know, that's going on your permanent record.
A classic case of the Tuesday morning blues. Tuesday morning, Harrisburg Pennsylvania.
Demolition costs, ten million; rebuilding, another ten million; cautious drivers, priceless.
Fail
Justin Bieber, giving metrosexuals a bad name.
Forever relagated here to the rightful name, Primp.
The Devil Wears Prada
The world is full of sick perverted people. A terrible story out of Cleveland Ohio this week.
Three women and a child rescued from a home where they were held captive for a decade.
At this point, the RNC has not denied involvement, and have not been named as suspects.
The women and child deserve their freedom, and a chance at a decent life.
They do not deserve their fame. You will not see their pictures here. I wish them luck.
A websearch indicated today a made-for-television project is on the table.
If only Hollywood could find three women to portray as barefoot and pregnant.
Forward, Seoul Brothers
Dennis Rodman, aka the Worm and whatever else he is called, asked North Koreas leader
this week for a 'solid', a release of a convicted Tour Guide who entered the country
under false identification. Diplomatic considerations aside; I have a valid objection.
Dennis Rodman is obviously African-American. If Asians start letting
African-Americans settle their affairs for them, I am offended.
Asians have never let Anglos settle their affairs;
it is simply racist for Asians to let African-Americans settle them.
Alien Versus Predator
Every once in a while the ghost of Leona Helmsley stops by to
remind me that I am one of the 'little people'. A nobody meant to
serve others and pay taxes. That couldn't be more true as in the
case of Associated Press Versus The Department of Justice;
or, as I like to call it - Alien Verses Predator.
Woe unto me, having misplaced my slingshot.
The Devil Wears Prada Version 4.0
Cambodia
The Occupational Safety and Health Adminstration (OSHA) exists for a
very good reason. Because Americans are prone to the very same
accidents. Our Coal Mines, Oil Refineries, Steel and Shipyards, and
our factories all endure accidents. No evidence of superiority here.
So then, you ask, what makes this news? That's a very good question,
and I went to foreign news sources for the answer. Factory workers
in Cambodia earn $60 to 75 dollars a month. In this instance, the
owners of the shoe factory - Asics of Taiwan - covered the medical
costs of the injured and gave $5000 Life Insurance to the victims families.
No hidden conspiracy, no reason to kill the story either.
compiled from reports by:
Asiaone.com
Xinhuanet.com
I could hardly expect Angelina Jolie to consider an interruption in
the discussion of her personal needs long enough to consider
an examination of her fashion suppliers. That's fine, she'll
continue talking about herself, I'll continue reporting.
Prada $1100 Prada $1250
Image source: SaksFifthAve.com
Two pairs of Pradas. Four pairs of these represent the life of
a Cambodian Shoe Factory worker. Is there a criminal here?
No. That's the American way. That's Democracy, the free market system.
It is Status, it is Classist, it is Eliteism.
May 26
Primp
Having bravely placed ourselves atop the 'Primp's' (Bieber) enemies list,
thus making us the scourge of bubblegummers everywhere; we think
it only appropriate to keep you abreast of his agonizingly mediocre
decent in to the depths of talentless hell and faux Neverland.
German authorities this week confiscated the Primp's Capuchin Monkey.
Having shown up in Germany without the proper papers
(Ach! Der Deutch! Ve hav to see your papers, papers please!),
the Customs officials seized the Capuchin and placed him incommunicado.
Good for the Capuchin, bad for us. The Germans took the smarter of the two.
Primp
Primp was in the news this week. Seems he pissed off the neighborhood
by trashing it with his Ferrari. That's pretty normal for any kid his age.
I think you can see where this is going, he hasn't done anything right yet.
I kinda doubt were going to see him on the Autobahn; papers, you know.
Inked Season 50
Inked Asian Style
Gluttony, now hands free
Are you thinking what I am thinking, yeah, a Texas Rangers sized choke.
Reaching for the Stars
El Reno Oklahoma
I like everyone at the Weather Channel Emergency Center. I think they
are the Tom Carnigie's of the next generation. There right there when we
expect them to be. So far as I can tell, they are always 'on it'. Be careful.
Like the rest of the network (NBC), that station as all their stations devote
more time to filler and less time to stories of public service and public interest.
I cannot help but think that one would balance the other. Chase crooked
politicans rather than tornados. Might be safer, who knows.
Rollover Minutes
Michael Bloomberg, Shadow Warrior. I don't really see this guy as
computer friendly, and I don't think he's very bright. For a guy so
interested the the Financial Markets, he doesn't do a very good job
with them. He pulled more than half of the World Indices off his
website a few weeks ago....They are still available on Mobile....
There is a point here. The Market Indices belong to everyone; normal
everyday investors like you and I. Those Indices belong to the markets
and to the public, not to Bloomberg Media, and not to Michael Bloomberg.
They do not belong to the Phone companies, or to the government.
There is a stupid part to this ploy. I believe that Bloomberg is trying,
in some imbicelic manner, to leverage the government, and possibly
the Intelligence Community themselves. If so, then Bloomberg, you are a moron.
Out of respect, perhaps; if not to educate you, but to let you acknowledge your
own ignorance, I have enclosed the following reading material.
If you want information on your viewers, there is no need to go to
the Phone Companies, or to the Federal Government.
The Information is on Bloomberg Servers, if you want the info, get it yourself.
News You Can Lose
June 9
Cafe Noir
The way I have it figured, most of the women on this planet want to show
Brad Pitt their breasts....And all of the men on the planet are getting a chuckle
out of it. Actually, this segment is not about what Brad Pitt is not seeing at the
breakfast table, it's about coffee and a cigarette. You did notice the cigarette, didn't you?
Seattle
This weeks Starbucks 'Decree of the Week' was that they had decided to ban smoking
within 25 feet of their franchises. Sure, they can enforce that, send that disgruntled
apathetic Barista right outside. Ha, the Baristas at Starbucks can barely serve coffee
and rolls, let alone find their way around the parking lot. Gauche. The only description
suitable for Americans and Cafes. Only in America will you find society trying to criminalize
coffee and a cigarette. Europeans think just the opposite. Those folks at the Caribou
Coffee house need to save me a seat. And a strudel, please.
Brangelina? If Schwarzenegger is any example, you need to keep an eye on the hired help.
WallyWorld
Bentonville
A kinder gentler Walmart. This week Walmart announced a new five year plan.
They want to place 100,000 Veterans in their stores over the next five years.
Great, now you can get expert advice when you want to stockpile ammunition.
Rollover Minutes Version 2.0
Bloomberg Media
With all this weeks media attention and last weeks post, why bother sharpening a crayon.
Oh Archie!
Jean Stapleton
1923 - 2013
At age ten, no two people in the world shocked me more than Archie and Edith Bunker.
When 'All In The Family' premiered in 1971 it captured the nation and shocked our
false sense of civility. What was said in private was now said on prime time. And
Archie's outspoken bigotry and Edith's tacit complicity awakened me to fact that the
Big Apple could also be the Bigoted Apple. They said things my family would strike me
down for saying. It was confusing and exciting and taboo and all the things prime
time television is not supposed to be. Over the next eight seasons I came to
understand that Archie and Edith were both right and wrong, all at the same time.
The most remarkable thought I had about her passing this week was not that the
Bunkers had been replaced by the Kardashians, it is that I would not trade the Bunkers
for the Kardashians, and a billion dollars.
I owe the producer of so many great prime time series his due for his words this week.
Goodbye, Edith darling.
~Norman Lear
News You Can Lose
June 16
Crisis Du Jour
Edward Snowden.
It appears he knows just enough to make a mess of his life, and a annoyance in everyone elses.
Before you were born. Kid, before you were born people like myself lived through Kennedy, Nixon,
Watergate and host of messes that someone needs to clean up. Enough dirt has been swept under so
many rugs that the entire Persian Empire could not cover it.
After public disclosure of the Ragtime program, no-one is shocked.
This plays like a really bad episode of a daytime soap opera, with mainstream media as the lead characters,
and Snowden as the naive patsy. So many clueless statements through the Guardians interviews have left
me speechless and in unbridled laughter all at once. I need to itemize this fantastic journey in such wild fantasy.
Snowden: I have no special skills.
News You Can Lose: That's clear to everyone.
Snowden: I fear rendering.
News You Can Lose: You moron. Rendering is the process of boiling fat from a solid into liquid.
ExtraOrdinary Rendition is something CIA officers film themselves doing in order
to facilitate Judical prosecution.
Snowden: I worry that the government could pay off the Triad to get me.
News You Can Lose: WTF? What gave you the idea that the U.S. Government has anything that the Triad would want?
They have as much money as they want, and if they didn't they would just steal more of it. The U.S.
Government is not on speaking terms with the Triad; that's because no-one is on speaking terms with the
Traid. They don't need anyone or anything.
Snowden: My greatest fear is nothing will change.
News You Can Lose: Hours of rancorous laughter. You idiot, the last five years of this Adminstration have been dedicated to
CHANGE! Albiet, the change was from bad to worse,from a half-wit cowboy to a wit-less pretty boy.
You have change, maybe not the change you wanted.
This is a sendoff to so many Hollywood B Movies, so many forgotten cliches.
Cue Forest Whitaker.
Here is what will not happen to Snowden. The Pentagon's Military Intelligence
will not send in two government employees to arrest him, like the cliched scene
from Dux's Bloodsport. Our Military Intellgence proved themselves incapable of
taking an Arab with a boxcutter, so having Snowden armed with something in
the order of a wet towel should be enough.
Interjection
Writers note: At the time this story broke in June 2013 I covered it as a reference to the Novel Catch 22 By Joseph Heller 1961, and the film
by the same name 1971. The son of a career Air Force Sargent, born in an Air Force Hospital, I consider myself more
qualified to address the issue than many. As I transpose the original post to more modern software,(June '15) a web-search
indicated that references to the movie and specifically the scene " Snowden's Funeral " have been censored. A thorough search
through the most popular data sites (Bing, Google, You Tube) indicated most of the movie and stills have been removed.
Which the possible exception of Commander In Chief's suspect birth certificate, I can visualize no greater shame for our
Constitution. Can we not discuss the war in which we are asked to sacrifice our children's lives?
There is no innocent party here. Not the flailing liberals in Hollywood who care enough to find a way to profit, the arch-conservatives
who year after year, prey upon Christians for re-election, and certainly not the Judicial System charged with enforcing the
Constitution.
To censor this movie, a CRITIQUE OF WAR, is morally and intellectually disgusting.
To those who participate, to those who turn a blind eye, you deserve a cruel death at the hands of the enemy, without benefit
of a public discussion, without benefit of a Constitutional defense.
A pity Heller wasn't around long enough to see Halliburton.
Snowden was a minor character in Heller's Catch 22.
Snowden's funeral was the first time historically that a soldier appeared in a movie naked
while not in combat. This entire last week has been a re-enactment of
of one of the funniest anti-war movies of all time.
If you are doing nothing else this weekend, sit down and watch
Catch 22 again. It will be the funniest time you will have this weekend.
Heller was genius.
Snowden is a first rate Drama Queen. He has dominated the news for the
last week, and his fifteen minutes of fame are up, and in fact, he ran about
fourteen minutes and forty-five seconds long. At his best, Snowden will
make a good courtroom drama if he Lawyers Up; something he should do soon.
Nowhere Broadcasting Company
Ritual de la habitual. When NBC flies their helicopter close enough
to your front door to see their logo on a daily basis for months on
end it becomes no longer trite. It is stalking plain and simple.
A press pass is not a license to stalk. It is not an indication that
you are a protected species. It is not an exemption from prosecution.
Clearly NBC wants my attention, and they have it, and they have little
claim to Constutional protections that they themselves ignore.
I forwarned my own children emphatically years ago to be acutely
aware of NBC and their own special brand of Yellow Journalism.
They display themselves as a example of everything responsible Journalism should not be.
Let's move on, shall we?
Dude, your getting a Dell
The plumbing in Washington DC has gone to hell.
It has been reduced to cold running water, and
getting colder by the minute.
First Annual Competitive Turkey Fry
News You Can Lose held it's First Annual Competitive Turkey Fry yesterday
afternoon. This is a competition where the competing networks are invited
to bring their best to the Company picnic. The picnic was a huge success,
this owing to the fact that none of the networks showed up.
So, if you are a huge television network with an overblown ego, and you
did not get an invitation, well then, you weren't invited.
And that's too bad, it was a riot.
Yossarian Lives
News You Can Lose
June 23
Guess Who's Coming To Breakfast
This might be what Brad Pitt is looking at while at the breakfast table.
Who knows? Fine dining with the Zombies. Whatever he is eating I
hope it was better than what Michael Douglas had.
I cannot understand why the Studio cast Brad Pitt in the lead
for this movie. You could have cast Danny Devito as lead and
still seen the same gross receipts from the box office. Zombies
are a great draw, as popular now as forty or fifty years ago.
CGI Zombies, it's gonna sell. Making a Zombie movie without
CGI is still a great draw. Zombies are not going away. Yawn.
A Passing
James Gandolfini
1961 - 2013
I am probably the only person in America to have never watched a
complete episode of The Sopranos. I see enough dis-organized
crime, and organized crime (mostly politics) in real life, so I have
little need to make that extra effort to reach over to the remote
control and bring vicarious crime into my home.
By all accounts, Mr. Gandolfini was immensely popular. Flags in
his home state of New Jersey are being flown at half-staff,
something reserved for politicans and the like, and appropriately so.
Who's A Pretty Boy?
Susan Rice has been nominated to National Security Advisor. Speaking
of which, you remember Sandy Berger, don't you? He's the Clinton
National Security Advisor caught coming out of the National Archives
with classified data in his socks and his pants. The way I have it
figured, if anyone wants to check Mrs. Rice's socks and panties,
it oughta be a job for the TSA.
He Said What?
The most disgusting speech in the history of American Presidents.
Websearch the speech he gave in Belfast to the City Council for yourself,
if I get started on this it will get really vulgar and really nasty.
Things said by a Pretty Boy on a free ride though Harvard, and life.
He may have ancestors that are Irish, not a good idea
to have any decendants planning a Irish livelyhood.
News You Can Lose
July 7
Dear Egypt
Dear Egypt,
I have good news and bad news. First the bad news. The
Egyptian government has replaced one President with another.
There is good news, Slavery has been abolished, you will not
be sacrificing thousands of lives to build another Pyramid.
Best of luck,
America
News You Can Lose
July 14
The " Objects May Be Larger Than They Appear " Edition
Russian Rocket Science
Did I mention my father was a Keyed (key) member of the Titan ll Project?
I think I did. Anyway, Rocket Science, it runs in the family, we are over it,
you should get over it too. It's really not all that, it just seems that way.
Everyone here at NYCL has been hard (sic) at work the last two weeks with
the Russian Proton M Rocket launch failure. We have pictures. (see above)
Payload
We have scoured the manifest to access all its contents in the hopes of
finding some clue to the failure. We were unable to find any listing in the
manifest for Beiber's monkey. The Russians did manage to cram not one,
not two, but THREE Glonass Satellites. (read Assgone) Why settle for a
single satellite failure when you can have three. Way to go comrades.
Justin Beiber's monkey may have not been listed in the mainfest, papers
and all that, we would have considered this rocket launch a success if only
Beiber himself had been listed on the manifest. Talk to Richard Branson,
he's found a way to make some pretty good money off of this kind of stuff.
Rocketry
The Proton Project was started in 1965 in response to President Lyndon Johnson's
overwhelming love for the Russian people and their culture. There have
been repeated failures since, and that's why the Russians continue the
project. Our in-depth research has uncovered what we think might hold
some sort of answer to this spectacularly overpriced fireworks show.
Initially, the rocketry was designed at the Khrunichev Space Center in Moscow.
From there the manufacturing was contracted out to a small electronics firm
in Slovakia. From there the picture gets a little fuzzy. It appears that the
manufacturing facility in Slovakia was beset with labor problems and
sub-contracted the work to an even smaller firm in Taiwan, who then
outsourced the work to a small factory in Tijuana Mexico. The Mexican firm
had a labor strike and sent the work to their other facility in Guatemala.
So the issue of a failure in the rocketry remains UNDEFINED.
Correction. Last week we erroneously credited slaves with building the
Egyptian Pyramids. We have been informed that the Pyramids were built by:
The International Brotherhood of Pyramid Workers Local #13
Our apologies to the Brotherhood.
CBS Sunday Morning have forever endeared themselves to me.
News You Can Lose July 21
Hug a Hoodie
" Trayvon Martin could have been me. " Really? Well if a series
of anti-social characteristics becomes you, knock yourself out.
That kid wasn't out helping old ladies across the street. If he
was innocent, so are the thousands of other kids murdered each
year by testosterone enriched trigger happy zealots on a rampage.
What is blatantly obvious is African-American racism
disguised as an affront to mixed-race murders.
African-Americans will protest in large numbers very loudly
at mixed race crime, yet remain silent about Black on Black crime.
I distinctly recall Mr. Jordan's father being murdered for something
as simple and disgusting as a carjacking, by African-Americans.
For that, Mr. Jordan received pity, not an outcry.
If African-Americans care about CRIME and MURDER,
race should not have anything to do with the issue;
unless you want to make it a racist issue.
News You Can Lose
July 28
' The Golden Age of Wireless '
Since the introduction of Cell Phones in 1979, the world has re-entered the
'Golden Age of Wireless'. Not Marconi's early 20th Century of radio broadcasting,
the mobile phones made popular by Motorola some forty years ago. Our society
is saturated with instant communication, to the point that it is difficult trying to
explain to todays youth that you once had to wait for receiving, or to make, a phone call.
Land lines are quickly fading, Cellular companies are having difficulty recycling phone
numbers, and it is a ongoing struggle to keep abreast of the technology and the
various conveniences and options offered in todays market. I cannot offer advice on
the best carrier or who has the best plan, who makes the best phone, ect;
but I can help with certain areas of Telephony, such
as signal enhancement, accessories, and tech tips.
None of the product shown are paid endorsements, they are lessons learned the old fashioned way.
Wilson Electronics
I have been using Wilson products since before the public introduction of the
Cell phone, and I have never been disappointed. The products shown
are signal boosters. They make an excellent desk model that will
overcome the difficulties of indoor and rural use. The third item shown
is a mobile mount for your car that boosts signal through an antenna.
Wilson Electronics (now Weboost) are available online and in Electronics stores.
Legrand Products
I only recently noticed Legrand products and have not purchased or
installed these products, although I certainly intend to. Adapting your
wireless products to indoor use requires that you make a voltage
adaption as well, Legrand offers products that are aesthetically pleasing
and a sensible alternative to the bulky and unnecessary use of transformers.
Legrand is a worldwide manufacturer of electrical products and do not
retail the products themselves, they are available in finer hardware stores.
Phone A Friend
When your cell phone is worth more than your car.
One of the most entertaining websites I have ever found is Jalopnik.
If your looking to expend an entire afternoon on a website unnecessarily,
this is the place to do it; I have, and shamefully, more than once or twice.
Oval Office for Beginners, now available by Microsoft.
It's those thingies Al Gore invented.
News You Can Lose August 18
Parrots of the Amazon
Cuban Orange-winged Festive
Red Necked Scarlet McCaw Red Crowned
Red Tailed Seersucker
How's that Yellow Journalism working out for ya?
Early Onset Alzheimer's
Alzheimer's disease (AD), also known in medical literature
as Alzheimer disease, is the most common form of dementia.
Source: Wikipedia
A kinder gentler Perestroika. Well, we have come
so far since the fall of the Berlin Wall, haven't we.
This is the most disgusting thirty-five seconds of crap to
come from an American Statesperson in the history of
the United States. If Russia's granting of a TEMPORARY
Visa to Snowden was merely to punish America, that
would undercut the dimensions of Snowden's crimes, wouldn't it.
In fact, the Temporary Visa had nothing to do with America,
and everything to do with Snowden's self-inflicted predicament.
I do not support Snowden, I do not respect his position;
I do respect the rights of any HUMAN to be granted
a Temporary Visa on humanitarian grounds.
I also recall the Madam being wanted in the Hague for War Crimes.
Should the Madam care to discuss human rights, we most certainly should start with hers.
I do not know if the Madam meets the criterion for
Alzheimer's or the criterion for an unusual case of
Early Onset Alzheimer's; either way, for either
diagnosis, she is old enough.
The Open Road
The open road? Seriously? Try Wisconsin in Mid-January.
It's August, Americas highways are clogged with 375 million
tourists in a hurry to get to the edge of nowhere, literally and figuratively.
We have history's most well funded and largest PARKING LOT.
Travel has struck a balance between price and popularity,
the more popular a destination, the lower the price. What
is not factored into the cost is lost productivity. In lost
time, loss of fuel used while idle (this must include both
human and machine), and the overall time expended.
A one hour flight to a popular destination quickly becomes
an eight hour nightmare if seven hours are spent in Airports
and Traffic Jams and travel time to and from. Thus, the myth
of cheap and quick travel; it's popularity devours itself.
These are a few of the many reasons I support Elan Musk's Hyperloop.
I could spend hours here enlisting reasons and pleas,
and you can continue to spend hours sitting on the highway.
Going nowhere at a very slow pace,complaining that
someone should do something about this.
Think about it. Sitting in traffic.
News You Can Lose August 25
It's Your Quarter
advertisement
Alpha Male Needed
Research Assistant for Gender Reassignment
Contact Bradley Manning for details.
Distributors of
A public service message from your friends at
Abbott Laboratories
advertisement
News You Can Lose September 1
A Bad Hair Day
New York State filed a lawsuit against the ever so popular
Donald Trump this week. And yet, The Apprentice goes on.
We are awfully glad 'The Donald' didn't make a racial slur...
Otherwise, NBC Networks would have to fire him.
The Second Annual Turkey Fry
We are in the early planning stages of the Second Annual Turkey Fry,
and we are happy to announce that an Act of Congress will not be required.
Again, if you did not receive an invitation to our Turkey Fry, you weren't invited.
News You Can Lose September 8
Have A Cigar
Crikey
In the tradition of most western civilizations, repeated viewings
of violent images are the 'cour de rigueur' of broadcast news.
We certainly would not want to disappoint you, so with that,
this weeks edition brings you repeated viewings of Hurricane Sandy.
Because repeated viewing of violent images are good for the psych.
The Soapbox
Hang Ups
Some people just have hang ups. Who knows?
It's hurricane season, hang in there Fidel.
Special Supplement to NYCL
9-14
Swollen Platt
Serfs Up!
That's gonna leave a McStain
Give til it hurts
There's a stench along the Platt...
It's starts in Ogallala, and ends in Omaha...
Coincidentally, there's a BIG insurance company in Omaha to cover this.
Is your home underwater? Contact Fannie Mae for details. Or not.
Photos: The Denver Post
News You Can Lose September 22
Trustworthy Loyal Friendly Helpful
Courteous Kind Obedient Cheerful
Thrifty Brave Clean
Reverent
News You Can Lose
October 14, 2013
Columbus Day
The day an Italian sailed for Japan in the name of the Spanish
on the purse strings of the French and landed in the Caribbean.
Vinny's Watch
Post Traumatic Stress Disorder
Everyone here at NYCL understands how deeply
affected Mayor Bloomberg is by the devastation
left by Hurricane Sandy, to this we offer the following...
A chest of Beads and costume jewelry A book on Japanese Architecture A Didgeridoo A replica of the Crown Jewels
And Vinny's watch, he would have wanted you to have this.
__________________________________________________________________________________________________
Our Guide
This is a Sextant. Much like the one Columbus used on his voyage to
the new world in the late fifteenth century. It is our guide through
history and our guide though time. It will not vary, it will not change.
There is no book that says man cannot navigate the stars, that man
should not look to the heavens, that man cannot dream of greater
things. It is a constant throughout human history, throughout time.
There is no book that says man cannot create machines greater than
himself, that man cannot explore the earth and the heavens with the
use of machines that possess intellect greater than his own.
Written with respect to
Arthur C. Clarke
1917 ~ 2008
__________________________________________________________________________________________________
News You Can Lose November 4
Tech Support
Ya think he's calling Snowden?
Thames, Banksy
It's 515, with the time change.
We said hello...
Priceless is copyrighted and available exclusively to Banksy if he wants it.
I can't say the syndicates and the press will sing praise, but it will be better
than the treatment he receives on the streets of New York or London.
Banksy, the State Flower of Colorado is the Columbine...
Capitalist Pride
Thanks Viacom
Thanks to Viacom and MTV, it's easier to appreciate my own children.
News You Can Lose
November 18
A Lady
Writers note: I would not presume to speak for Mrs. Gates,
and I will say Sir Gates and Mrs. Gates are free to speak for me.
______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
Melinda Gates
Co-chair, the Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation
Celebrating Women and the Dignity of Family Planning
This week, I'm on a trip with two important stops: the Glamour Women of the Year Awards in New York City, then
the International Family Planning Conference in Addis Ababa, Ethiopia. I can appreciate how this ensemble might appear
to clash -- the red carpet next to the green-brown fields dotting a country that's 80 percent rural. But sometimes
juxtaposing seemingly incongruous things can reveal an underlying truth.
Personally speaking, it's an honor being named one of Glamour's women of the year. My kids are excited that I'll get to
meet Lady Gaga. Me too, but I'm most looking forward to expressing my congratulations to all of the other honorees who
are all working to create change in their own way.
Potentially more important than my opportunity to meet famous, inspiring people is that, from a professional point of view,
being recognized by Glamour is a good sign. Part of my job involves traveling to developing countries and listening to women
and girls tell their stories. Then I try to relay those stories to people who don't have the good fortune to hear them first hand.
My hope is that these stories inspire businesspeople, philanthropists, politicians, community leaders, regular citizens
(and, yes, fashion designers and their devotees) to join a global movement to give all seven billion of us an equal chance
at a healthy, productive life.
It's encouraging that Glamour's readers are interested in brave women like Malala, who insist that their lives can be greater
than society would have them believe. It's heartening that they are as inspired as I am by the stories of the women I meet.
I believe that their compassion and curiosity is a leading indicator of a better future. Glamour appeals to young doers -- precisely
the kind of women who can make a movement that changes the world.
Just a few hours after the awards, I'll be on my way to Ethiopia to attend the family planning conference, where 3,000
delegates are advancing that movement. They are gathering for three reasons:
To get their message across: that when women have access to information about planning their families and the tools
to space their births, they also have the power to get a better education and build a healthier future for themselves
and their children.
To celebrate progress since the landmark London Summit on Family Planning in 2012: namely, that today, seven countries
in Africa have completed detailed family planning strategies with dollar figures attached and more than a dozen more
are in the process of doing so.
To convert their vision and these national strategies into results for women by raising money, securing government support,
and doing the day-to-day hard work in communities around the world.
Ethiopia is one of my favorite places, because it proves that the world can get better -- a lot better, very quickly -- with the
right kind of leadership. Ethiopia is poor but has a great health system (which means it won't be poor for long). In the past decade
the Ethiopian government has hired 30,000 community health workers who fan out around the country and reach every
single Ethiopian with basic primary health care.
As a result, millions of children who used to die are now surviving and thriving. In 1990, one in five children in Ethiopia died
before turning five. Now, that ratio is down to one in 15. (Since the average woman in 1990 had seven children, losing
a child was typical, statistically speaking. Now, the average Ethiopian woman has four children, so three-quarters of
families no longer experience this tragedy. That's a vast change in less than a generation.)
The flight from New York to Addis Ababa is long. When I board, I know that I will be thinking about the many inspiring
women that I shared the evening with. I'll try to get some sleep. When I wake up, I'll go straight to the conference to
give a speech where I'll talk about the many examples of leadership I see in developing countries that are helping to improve
the lives of girls and women every day. Ultimately, I'll be thinking about the single thread that runs through both days,
despite the distance in miles.
It is this: Whether it's Glamour readers, family planning advocates, or the Ethiopian women I meet in villages,
they all want the same thing, fundamentally. The dignity that comes with the power to make decisions about the future.
The joy that comes with confidence in your children's chance at a good life. The contentment that comes with hope.
___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
News You Can Lose November 25
No Words
When prompted, I did not hesitate to add Whoopi. I have always
known her to be bright, friendly, and most importantly, sincere.
What I did not know at the time was that she is capable of doing
something few others can, that is teach me something everytime
I see her, if not about others, then about myself. Thanks...
It Take's A Tribe
I am always amused when people suggest the Washington Redskins
change the name of their football team, based on rumors that
Native Americans are offended by this. Have you ever heard a
Indian personally say ' Overpaid jocks set on hurting each
other in my name offend me. '? I didn't think so. Actually, it is
pretty far down on their list of offenses committed against them.
For that matter you don't see anyone calling for a change in name
of pretty much everything you see in America. Our towns, States
and our streets, and yes, even our sports team all bear the indelible
mark of those whose land we took.
Let's take the State of Illinois for example...
On the left you see tribal lands before 1776, and on the right you see
the State of Illinois (named for the Illini) as it is now, with NO Reservation.
And indeed, you see no-one suggesting The University of Illinois
change the name of their sports teams, and you most certainly
do not hear anyone suggesting that the name of the State be changed.
For your convenience I have included a map of the Nations
of the Lower 48 states and Canada, a search on Bing will
allow you to download the image, and just in time to make
some interesting Placemats for the Thanksgiving table.
Cobell v. Salazar
Alert
Some people are offering to make loans or do other business with Class Members
who receive payments from the Settlement. The Plaintiffs in Cobell v. Salazar have
NOT authorized or endorsed any such activity. Please be careful about releasing
your bank account numbers or other confidential information to others.
The Plaintiffs in Cobell v. Salazar have NOT authorized or endorsed any such
activity. Please be careful about releasing your bank account numbers or other
confidential information to others.
Additionally, please note if you are a Class Member you do not have to pay any
money to the Indian Trust Settlement under any circumstances in order to receive
your benefits. If someone asks you for some kind of payment and claims to be from
the Indian Trust Settlement please do not send any money.
If you have questions, please call the Toll-Free number on this Website.
I am happy to report that the first of the disbursements are finally be made in
Trust Settlement, and equally unhappy that Native Americans are again falling
prey to leachs and conmen and the like. It should be enough that they contend
with Washington and it's self-flattering inhabitants.
Leaky Rowboat
State of the Department
If it is, however elliptically, implied that any State Department Treaty is off
limits to public inspection or public commentary, regardless of sensitive content,
a remedial lesson in Constitutional Law beyond Harvard is recommended.
The Treaty is much less appetizing when explained by yellow journalism.
Iranian Treaty
Facts
Five weeks ago this government faced a budget showdown, which included
a historic attempt at Default. On monies loaned by other signers of this Treaty.
That issue was NOT resolved, but postponed. Congress has ' kicked the can down
the road ', quoting a certain member of the House.
Cuba enjoys a nearly twenty year seniority on Sanctions.
We just disengaged from a twelve year war with Iraq, a partner with whom the
Republican led Oil industry has, in partnership with the US Government, invested
hundreds of Trillions of dollars.
Much of, if not all of the Domestic and International Rules on Enrichment were
written under the Reagan and Bush the Elder Administrations. If you need a
reminder (you shouldn't) Bush the Elder was Reagan's DCI.
The base of the thrust of this Treaty is this:
Iran is given funds from their sales of oil -to the other signers of this treaty-
in exchange for inspections by the International Atomic Energy Commission.
My commentary:
I just presented a brief summation of a small portion of the FACTS. (There are others.)
Of the signers of the treaty, are there any countries that DO NOT have a vested
interest in sinking this treaty? (including Americans) I do not believe there is.
Popcorn
I wanted to add this essay from Lee Mendelson that appeared
this afternoon. So this is a rare late post.
Popcorn, a synonym: A colloquial term for the now defunct Time/Temperature Line offered by the Phone Companies.
Frequently found on this website when used in conjunction with a sport of Gentlemen, Open Wheel Racing.
Served by Charles M. Schulz (and myself) at Thanksgiving. Thanks Sparky!
News You Can Lose
December 3 - December 22
Boysenberry's and Bar B Q
On Buying American
Writer's note: I have included a selection of my favorites, including Knott's. Long
before Highway 91 was built through Riverside California, my family was selling
the Knott family fruit from our family farm.
Nationalism and Protectionism are difficult issues for all governments, it offends
no-one to buy American products, for America's benefit. Similarly, you should
not be offended if another nation suggests the same for their citizens.
Enjoy the Holiday.
Runner Up
The Rice Palace in Crowley Louisiana
does not ship their delicious food, be
sure to stop in when you go through.
Consumerism is not Idealism
~W. Marshall Moseley
WRITE SOON!
Happy Holidays from Janis and myself
The best to you and yours in the coming year
News You Can Lose
December 30
The Year in Review
The Good and The Bad (see above)
Good news and bad news. First the good news. At least for me.
There is no danger of my contracting Carpal-Tunnel Syndrome here.
Now for the bad news.
As clearly defined at Appomattox, the North won the war. Although
it appears at years end that this is much less clear than it has been
in the past. We had become so accustomed to having the traditional
two party system of Democrats and Republicans conspiring with the
lobbyists in Washington to undermine our countries best interests,
that we welcomed the third party, the -Tea Party. As it turns out,
it was a huge mistake. The original weak and ineffectual cretins that
made up the Tea Party were replaced with new weak and ineffectual
cretins who saw the advantages of Big Media to ferment their own
distorted picture of a shiny happy land of prosperous Americans.
Along with Big Media, the Tea Party sought to further America's best
interests by trying to force a National Default. Simply brilliant. Way
to go, Big Media! No surer way to cut your own throats than to promote
a total economic collapse. Can't wait for your encore.
Pepe Le Pew
Having done such an impressive job at Homeland Security, Janet Napolitano
was promoted (?) to escorting the Olympic Team to Sochi. Here's to hoping
I am not forced to endure any pretense of her understanding anything about
Russian Culture, it's Government (I think our government has her confused
enough), the surrounding hoopla, and the Olympic proceedings itself.
I am always concerned when, outside of babysitting, this administration
engages in any sort of nepotism. But then, I suppose a Law Degree from
San Jose State is credentials enough for an international sporting event.
Effing As A Verb
For the purposes of this post this verb -Fucking is replaced with effing.
Do ya know this place. Do ya. Well do ya know this effing place?
It's Idaho. It the effing home of effing potatoes. All the effing potatoes
you could effing ever want to eat. Russets they call them. It's also the
home of the 'Frank Church Point of No Return' National Park. Since I am
not an effing Senator that's not my problem, it was the problem of my
effing Senator (Goldwater), and it's not an effing problem any more.
So why is this effing important you ask. Well, I'll effing tell you why it's
effing important. It's the home of the American potato. You can effing
call it the potatoe if you want to. Enough effing potatoes to feed every
woman and child for as long as they effing want. An estimable
Movable Feast of effing potatoes. Enough potatoes that no American
should ever starve to death.
You see, there was this thing called the Great Irish Potato Famine.
It was a point in Irish history where the Irish were so poor, so
hungry and so overtaxed that they fled on anything that floated to the
Shores of America. Ellis Island, to be exact. And it was there that they
were given their immigration papers. The poor bastards. Most of them
couldn't read. The immigration papers were often Conscription Papers
to fight the Civil War. And the ones that could read were too poor to
to have any choice. Conscripted into the Civil War. To fight another
man's war for freedom in the name of Ellis Island's 'Give us your poor'.
The Irish gave ONE HUNDRED THOUSAND lives in that war. All in
the name of freedom, someone else's freedom, not their own.
So perhaps it is time to give the original thirteen Commonwealths
back to the English. They haven't learned the lessons of their
own history, the lessons of the history of others, and they damn
sure don't understand the freedoms that others afforded them.
Colour
To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth ll
In light of your failure to financially manage yourselves and inability to effectively govern
yourselves responsibly, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective
immediately. (You should look up 'revocation' and 'manage' in the Oxford English Dictionary.)
Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth ll will resume monarchial duties over all states,
Commonwealths, and territories (except Guam, which she will cede to India.)
Your new Prime Minister, David William Donald Cameron, will appoint a Governor for the
former United States of America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate
will be disbanded. (She requires this be done peacefully and without question.) A questionnaire may
be circulated at a later date to determine if anyone had noticed.
To aid (the only aid you can ever expect to receive) in the transition to a British Crown dependency,
the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
You will learn that the suffix 'burgh' is pronounced 'burra'; you may elect to spell Pittsburgh
as 'Pittsberg' if you find you simply cannot cope with the correct pronunciation. Then look up
'aluminum' and check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you
have be pronouncing it.
The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour', 'favour', and 'neighbour'.
Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half of the letters.
Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels (look up
'vocabulary'). Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as
'like' and 'you know' is a completely unacceptable attempt at communication.
There is no such thing as US English. We will communicate this to Microsoft on your behalf.
You will relearn the original national anthem, 'God Save The Queen', but only after
fully carrying out task number one. (see above)
In ascending order, the following holidays are hereby abolished; Valentines Day, Presidents Day,
Memorial Day, Columbus Day, Election day, Veterans Day, the Forth of July, Labor Day, and Thanksgiving.
You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that
you have so many lawyers and therapists demonstrates that you are unfit to govern yourselves.
Guns should be handled by adults and entirely devoted to shooting Grouse (look up Grouse), and
of course, Foxes. Her majesty will determine a penalty, if any, for the shooting of lawyers and actors.
If you are not adult enough to sort grievances without the use of lawyers or therapists, then your
not adult enough to handle any weapon, let alone shoot fowl.
Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything deemed more dangerous than a
vegetable peeler. A permit will be required to exhibit a vegetable peeler in public.
All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts. An extraordinarily large and surly contingent
of French Gendarme will be dispatched to supervise this endeavour.
Her majesty forbids any tampering or manipulation of Petrol (gasoline). You will henceforth pay
no less than ten dollars per gallon. You will not question this policy.
You will learn to make real chips. (look up chips). Those things you call French Fries and Potato Chips
are not real chips. You will fry them in animal fat, and dress them with malt vinegar.
Waiters and Waitresses will be properly trained. Similarly, a French contingent will be dispatched.
You will learn the beer served in America is not beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter
may be served. Lagers, such as the various European Imports, and the New Zealand beer is also
acceptable (They are a duly awarded member of the British Commonwealth). American brands will
be referred to as 'Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine'. This will properly prevent any further confusion.
Hollywood will be required to cast the English as Hero's and Heroines. Without exception. They are
required to cast only English born in English roles. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt a proper
English accent is akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.
You are duly instructed that unless otherwise specifically stated by the monarchy, actors and
actresses have no political opinion of any worth. Without exception. Because you pay your
lot miserably huge sums of moneys, the monarchy will henceforth double the taxes on acting.
Effective immediately; cable television and the networks as you know them are banned. You
will receive only the BBC, and you will learn to like it. Conversely, there is no limit to what
you call 'trade papers', or gossip magazines. You will learn to merely call them by their
proper term, or, as they are known in the British Empire 'smut'.
The following colloquial terms are to be removed; Ass, butt, booty, and rear. They are to
referred to henceforth as only 'bum'.
You must tell us who killed JFK. It drives the peasants mad.
You will cease playing American 'Football'. You will be allowed 'Soccer' and 'Rugby'.
Baseball is formally abolished. There can be no such this as a world series in a single country.
What you call 'NASCAR' is also abolished. We are sending in the French to instruct you on
how to accomplish high speed automobile accidents.
Tea is served promptly at four in the afternoon. Without exception. Biscuits and Cake are optional.
A proper English Tax Collector has been dispatched. Additional Collectors will be dispatched if you
have any questions or comments.
Her Majesty,
Queen Elizabeth the Second
adapted (sic) from an article in
Izthakts.wordpress.com
That was 2013, with excessive re-editing.
The added thought that perhaps that defines
Consumerism in the western hemisphere. As Excessive.
